Pity party.
Finally fully recovered from one big old bash to the ego. Raced in the US Grand Prix of Cyclocross last weekend at PIR. Even though days before I'd called my season over (after 2nd place in Salem) and decided not to race. The night before the race Andrew picked up his bib number and I caved under all the excitement. Paid an extra ten bucks to register late. How can I not race when the option is there?! Once I get my number I get my race brain running. Totally focused. Of course you couldn't tell by looking. I play it cool. I'll tell you I'm just racing for fun. I'll tell you I don't care what place I finish. Now you know I'm full of it.I knew my body would be tired and my legs worked from a week off the bike and a visit back to the weight room. I'm been dying to do lunges!
Lined up with Heidi and a few girls I'd never seen before. I was at the front. How this happened I don't really know. Racers ready! Go! First to tenth in ten seconds. I absolutely have to work on my starts! Gross!
I turned it up and raced hard. I always do. I got out there. I rode like a sleek little mountain biker, gliding into turns, pulling out passes in corners, moving up. As soon as my mind wondered I brought it back to the dirt. I pushed and pushed.
I hear the bell. Last lap. I hear the bell. And then I don't. I cross the finish line. The woman in front of me slows and stops. Someone rides by me. I look around. "Are we done?!?! Do we do another?!"
She assures me, "No, we're done."
Questioning I ride on. I can't see anyone ahead or behind me. It must be done. I has to be over. I pedal through the tape into the parking lot to see Andrew start his race.
Stupid.
I had one more lap.
I should have just kept going.
8th place turned to 22nd just like that.
I'm embarrassed. I was wrong. I can't stop thinking about it. I let it get me.
Okay now brain, this is when I need you most. "Get yourself up and out of this! You killed it this season! Beginners to B's and getting better all the time! You're good at this! Learn from your mistakes! Don't ever listen to anyone except your gut and an official. When in doubt keep riding. And ride harder. Forget about it. You didn't care about this race anyway. Go get some rest. Then train like a lunatic. Shoot might as well try to go pro!"
Thanks brain. I feel better. Manifest the Best.
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Remy, I appreciate this story, and I think I might have handled all of it a similar way (that is, IF I was pushing myself to compete in the amazing way you are). Being competitive is a great quality, but it can also stress you out so much more than necessary, as you obviously know. It sounds to me that you are having the right inner conversations to keep yourself in balance, while also having such incredible motivation to always push yourself to the limits. It's wonderful that you're opening your experience to others like this. It's a motivator and a leveler all at the same time. Thank you. Now I just need to find something to train for besides my next yoga class ;-)
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